As Close as Hands and Feet
by mickeylover303
Summary: An obstinate Itachi is an Itachi hard to sway, but Naruto being Naruto doesn't exactly help Sasuke's situation. Crack!fic. AU.


_Unapologetic dialogue in the form of nonsensical crack that takes place in a Random Space AU, where Sasuke is a speshul snowflake and Itachi utterly personifies the overprotective sibling trope. Also vaguely related to this other thing called Dirty Harry._

...

**As Close as Hands and Feet**

"Because I worry about what sordid intentions he may have."

"What's that even supposed to—I swear I will stop talking to you if you try to—"

"I simply wish to discuss a few things."

"No, no, why do you need to discuss anything with him?"

"Foolish little brother, your big brother will always know best."

"I promise you there's really no reason to talk to him. Someone of your stature, you shouldn't even bother yourself over something so trivi—"

"It's your first relationship. I feel it's a noteworthy occasion that should be properly recognised by the family."

"It's just Naruto. You already know him. He's always been there. We grew up together."

"Be that as it may, because you're no longer friends, it's even more incentive to keep an eye on this recent development in your relationship."

"What recent development? We're still friends."

"Sai's rather...detailed reports tell me otherwise."

"Is there even such a thing as privacy for me anymore?"

"Admittedly, though, I am somewhat wary of Naruto's choice of career and what it entails."

"So he's training to be a pilot. What about it?"

"By connotation alone, pilots are notorious for their sordid reputations."

"You were a pilot once, too. And aren't you the one who gave him the recommendation to join that follow-up exploration mission to Syrdia?"

"The same mission he dragged you into?"

"For the last time, I was the one who...coerced Kakashi into letting me stay on board. Naruto actually tried to turn back, kept running around screeching something about you having his head on a platter if you found out he was on the same ship I snuck on, but then my magic sort of...happened to the rest of the crew."

"A sensible enough reaction, but he's still a pilot. And you shouldn't be so manipulative."

"Syrdia was a barren moon, anyway. And you know that part of my magic doesn't happen on purpose. It doesn't even Influence you. Or Naruto. Which you said was a good thing."

"With his integrity now in question, I suddenly changed my mind."

"You're not being fair."

"Life isn't fair."

"I really think you're starting to take this too far."

"You act as if I intend to inflict copious amounts of excruciating pain upon him."

"...I never said anything about you doing that. What would make you want to say something like that?"

"Jettisoning him into space, however—"

"Itachi..."

"No, I'm not kidding."

"I can't believe you. You're just as bad as mom and dad. They won't even let me _piss_ without some kind of security detail, much less interact with people my own age. And with people like Sai and Neji following me around, it's a wonder anyone else hasn't been turned away by now."

"If Genma hadn't caught you sneaking out of the station to illegally board Kakashi's ship, we wouldn't have—"

"Only because you guys never let me do anything on my own. But nothing went wrong. Everything turned out fine. Nothing happened. Planets continued to revolve around their suns."

"We only have your best interests in mind. If you weren't so reckless, maybe you'd be afforded more freedoms."

"I'm sixteen. Not six."

"Then stop behaving as if you are."

"I'm not—"

"But you're still young. And you're still a life user, Sasuke. The first one born in a century. Despite our attempts to protect you, the reality is that people will be after you. You're so flippant with your magic, but what comes naturally to you, there are those who would use any means necessary to harness your abilities for their own gain.

"Even without your magic, considering our family's political position in the Alliance, our parents' affiliations alongside my own, if given the opportunity, were you ever to fall into the wrong hands, you can and _will_ be used as a weakness against us."

"I'm not weak, Itachi."

"I know you aren't, but do me a favour and humour your older brother. Don't be so quick to dismiss my concern. There have been too many close calls lately. We've come too close to losing you, and, if only for my sake, I implore you to be more responsible for your safety in these circumstances."

"I can take care of myself. I took out those mercenaries who tried to break into the base, didn't I? The ones who were actually after me, remember? Without having to resort to magic."

"As impressive as you are with a sword, the fact remains there are people who would do anything in their power to use you and place you in harm's way. I can't be there all the time, Sasuke. I won't be there all the time, so don't put yourself in such a position when you don't have to."

"...are we still talking about Naruto?"

"I suppose. If he's the lesser of two evils."

"Speaking of which, isn't there somewhere else you need to be?"

"So eager to get rid of me, do you have somewhere else to be?"

"I'm under house arrest. What do you think?"

"Sasuke, I...while I know it's not the most ideal of situations to be in, it's a burden you have no choice but to—what was that?"

"...nothing. Probably just the wind. Or maybe just your imagination."

"No, it came from outside. The back window was unlocked, but there's no reason for it to be opened. Who else has the access code to your outside key panel, Sasuke?"

"Naruto, Itachi. I only gave it to Naruto—_Naruto_, but where're you going with your—"

"Hey, bastard, I finally found those special condoms you like. Tch. Had to go all the way out to the port in Mitsubari. And they were expensive as hell, too. All that work I had to go through, it better be...better be...hehe, Itachi, funny running into you here. In Sasuke's room. Where you're not supposed to be right now."

"Two words, Uzumaki."

"_You_ _idiot_, don't just stand—"

"Sasuke, why's your brother coming at me with that really sharp looking—"

"Itachi, put down the—"

"Prepare yourself."

"_Nottheface_, _nottheface_—no, no, I need that, too. Sasuke really, really likes that part of me a lot, and you want him to be happy, don't you? I promise we're doing safe sex, always safe sex, so it's very important that you let me keep my—"

"Now's a really good time to _shut the hell up, Naruto_!"

"You corrupted my little brother?"

"I'm going to tell mom and dad on you if you don't stop trying to impale Naruto with your sword."

"Move out of the way, Sasuke. Let your big brother handle this."

"But I never corrupted him without a condom. Even though he said it didn't really matter that first time, I make a point to never forget the con—_holy shit, _you're powering up on me. You actually powered up on me.I always knew having sex with you was going to kill me, Sasuke, but I didn't think it'd end up like—"

"So help me, Naruto, I will drain your life force myself and suck you dry if you keep talking!"

"Is that supposed to be a good or a bad thing? Because the way you say it makes it really just sound like an offer to—"

"Itachi, don't—"

"Die, Uzumaki!"


End file.
